Here we go again

And so I feeling once again that I would really like a place to put down my thoughts and feelings without being judged...at least not in a way that I would see feedback on right a way.

I have found that life is once again a struggle in my mind. I am not the person that I feel I should be and I am not in the place that I should be. Where I am right now is not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life...far from it actually. I didn't think I would feel so far behind myself that no matter how hard I ran I would never catch up. I had some really big plans for my life and now I am finding that they are not within my reach. I guess if I had actually made them more of a goal I would have been more successful but I didn't and I can't go back now. I just somehow have to find a way to accept where I am and what I am and then decide if I want to change. I keep thinking that it is something as simple as losing weight or stopping a bad habit but I fear it is more than that. Stopping something in my life or changing something on the outside will only affect part of it. However, unless I find a way to change what is inside I will not be able to get something seriously figured out.

I have been working hard to come out of my shell lately and find some new friends. I thought that I had found a couple of them...and they were even at work...but it just doesn't seem to be working out. I was hoping that the age difference wouldn't be that big of a deal and maybe it is not but I feel it does impact things. I also have to be careful that I only find male friends or I come across as the dirty old man...and that sucks. There is one that I thought was really going to go places but I have lost my touch. One day things are fine and the next day everything falls apart. I don't know what I did but it really sucks. I was told by this friend that family replaces friends...and I don't think I believe that but it has really made me want to be quiet and stay to myself.

It hit be so hard and has become such a big deal to me that today I text all the folks from work and let them know that we could only have a professional relationship and that any contact outside of work would be happen. I feel that I am being told that there must be a complete separation of work and play and that I can't blend the two. I am even feeling so bothered by it that I am going to have to start calling everyone by their rank and last name so that I but back up the barrier. I don't like the barriers...I even worked hard in the shop to remove their barriers but I can see that with the way I am feeling now, I won't be able to keep going without those barriers back up.

So you can see that none of this is actually making me feel better about how things are in my life right now. The only good thing that has come out of all of this was that I actually cried the other day and I haven't done that in over a year. I guess have some emotion back is a good thing. I just hope that somewhere I can find a way to pull myself back together and press forward again. This summer was great but now I feel so far behind that I will need to work twice as hard to just catch up to where I was before. Oh well...life will go on...now the challenge is to smile.